This will likely be one of the most disorganized posts I have ever made. I simply don’t know what else to do besides write.
The tears that are so hard for me to release are flowing freely. I’m so angry and hurt and ashamed. I know why I have DID. It’s because I can’t handle the truth of my life. I get it loud and clear. I get these little bits and pieces and I can’t handle the reality. I try to use my intellect to find any way I can to not make it so.
I’m so stuck right now. I feel like I just can’t win at this game of life.
I’m upset for several reasons. Last night the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID to see it was from a blocked number. Instantly my thoughts go to my abuser. I dismiss it. He wouldn’t dare call again, I threatened him and well, he was just supposed to go away. The phone rings again, blocked number. I answer and the caller hangs up. Maybe 30 minutes later it happens again. I’m stunned.
Today E (an alter) told our therapist that she has been talking to him. He has called her. It all makes sense. Her journey into the pits of depression and suicidal thinking fit perfectly. He has been influencing her again.
As if that weren’t enough I learn some details about my abuse as a child. I knew it was ritual abuse but I didn’t know what type. Now I know it is/was satanic ritual abuse. Apparently “satan” would rescue E from horrific abuse. She doesn’t see that it was a set up, staged to manipulate her. I don’t know much more but I can only imagine what that would do to a child. I keep wanting to believe that she is an adult but really she isn’t.
As soon as I got to my car after therapy I was sick. I couldn’t even make it back to the office without throwing up. This is me we are talking about, E isn’t E, she is me. It’s all beginning to sink in. My walls are beginning to come down and it’s nauseating.
Next came anger. I am still angry. This is very, very odd for me. I’m so afraid of anger that I don’t let myself have this emotion. But here it is running down my cheeks in rivers. How dare he call my home when I told him not to. How dare he manipulate me in such a horrible way. Who buries children alive and then has “satan” rescue them. Why? How dare you threaten me?
My anger led me to reconsidering filing a report about the rape/assault that occurred in December. I decided to report it. I haven’t told anyone much about what happened. I texted my therapist to schedule an appointment to tell her everything. That will happen on Saturday. It will be incredibly difficult but I need to tell someone I trust before I go tell a complete stranger at the police department. I need a sympathetic ear and face to reflect back on in case it goes horribly wrong with the police.
I’m so very afraid but I want to be free. At this time I don’t care if he kills me, at least I will have died trying to get away. I would rather die while attempting to be a survivor than die a victim.
I have no idea what I’m going to tell the police. I really don’t want to mention DID but I know I have to. I know they are going to dismiss me once they hear that. I don’t see myself actually saying DID but maybe saying I’m dissociative. I don’t really expect any justice it seems abusers usually always win.
Then there is the whole issue with E. I think she is still “in love” with this fucker. Will reporting him totally destroy her? How do I even begin giving her what she needs when her thoughts and feelings are so opposite mine.
My mind is so busy. I know I just need some time to process all of this and let it settle down but I can’t seem to turn it off.