Things are looking up



Things are much better in my world. Yesterday was my birthday and it was a good day. I kept wanting to forget that it was my birthday but a lot of people in my life made that impossible. I decided to give in and celebrate me and it was great.

The darkness has lifted and I’m viewing the world in a better way.

I contacted an organization that does equine psychotherapy and it sounds great. They are local. I was looking for some longer term inpatient facilities with equine therapy. If I can stay home and do the same thing, that’s so much better. There are two different options with the equine psychotherapy so I have to discuss those with my therapist. I see her on Sunday so I will get to call them on Monday and schedule my intake.

I have committed to a number of changes in order to improve my daily functioning and hopefully never have another suicide attempt.

I want to thank everyone for their support during this rough spot. I appreciate each one of my readers!

Reaching out for help



I am struggling after the suicide attempt. I thought it might be best to go inpatient for 30 days. I began my search for a facility that understands DID, is for 30 days and is within my budget. After doing lots of research online I found a few and made inquiry. One hasn’t called back after they said they would call back in an hour to an hour and a half, that promise was made 24 hours ago. The second claims to treat dissociative disorders including DID. They called back just a bit ago denying me because of my DID. They asked if I switch and I said yes, case closed, no admittance. Umm, if you aren’t switching you technically don’t meet the criteria to be diagnosed with DID. What the hell? The third is also grimacing at my DID diagnosis even though they claim to treat trauma and PTSD. They won’t talk to me further until the speak to my therapist to verify I’m not psychotic. Umm, you are talking to me on the phone, do I seem psychotic to you?

So there you have it. Reach out for help only to get your hand slapped. You my dear are too sick/broken for us, but good luck. I give up on finding inpatient services. Talk about getting kicked when you are down. Nothing like a good boost for my self esteem.

The 27th day of my new life


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27 days since the suicide attempt. I’m not really sure why I counting. It seems important somehow. Maybe because everyday is a struggle and counting them seems rewarding. There is also the dark side still, 27 days I shouldn’t have.

Yesterday was one of the worst days since that evening of swallowing the pills. I finally talked to my husband and he helped some. I got very angry with him but in the end it helped. We went to dinner together and I tried to focus only on good things. I chatted on and on about a healing retreat I attended a week ago and he listened. I felt better for some time. The internal darkness did return later but it was close enough to bedtime so I went to bed.

I had all of my meds out yesterday. My psychiatrist gave me a 30 day supply of one of my meds. I understand why, you need a paper script for it so it would take some work for her to write those every week. I was still surprised. We have a lock box for our meds. I kept looking at all the bottles calculating which would be best. I finally asked my husband to lock all of them up and he did. So even though I have the ideology, well more than that, a plan, I asked my husband to foil my plan. I consider this a win. I’m still here.

26 days since I tried to end my life


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26 days. Some mornings I didn’t wake but on all the ones I have my first thought is I’m not supposed to be here. I am a suicide attempt survivor. My therapist counts this as the third but to me it’s the first. If I go by my therapists count the first attempt was done by E (a part) when she cut our femoral artery. The second false attempt occurred when I drank wine and E took Xanax, both of which are harmful when taking a MAOI. The second wasn’t an attempt to end life, it was just a mistake. Then there is number three. Failed number three. Contemplated, planned and failed. There is nothing quite like being a failure at murdering yourself.

I decide to google suicide attempt survivor thinking I will find some resources to help me through this tough spot. I find nothing. It appears only a handful of people speak out about life after a suicide attempt. No words of wisdom that bring me to some place of acceptance and yes, I want to live. No, I’m still stuck in the circling whirlpool of my own emotions that threaten to pull me to the bottom.

I’m back to watching the clock, just 10 more minutes. Life 10 minutes at a time. I’m trying really trying. I’ve done a lot of things today to try to lift myself a bit higher and nothing is working. So here I am trying writing to see if this works. Thank goodness no one in my face to face life ever reads this blog.

I’m so tired I hardly have the energy to do much else. I’m sleeping so it isn’t a lack of sleep. Is it just depression, the heart damage that occurred from the overdose or is it just time to lay down and die from weariness?

26 days, it seems impossible. My birthday is in 3 days. I find that interesting in so many ways.

I’m trying….


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Ever since the suicide attempt I have been trying to do the things that I know are good for me and my mental health. I got out of the hospital on Saturday, July 26th. I left for a spiritual retreat on Thursday, July 31st. I got home from the retreat on Sunday, August 3rd. I see my therapist 3 times a week, I’m in a new support group, I’m in touch with friends and still there is this emptiness, this sadness. I feel afraid to talk about how I really fear because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I don’t want to be smothered because everyone fears I will attempt suicide again. I understand their fears, I know I almost died. I caused a lot of distress. How do I reconcile my own feelings and yet be considerate of those I’ve hurt? I was telling my therapist about my visit with my psychiatrist and she knew I didn’t tell my psychiatrist about my feelings, that I held back. My therapist asked me to think about the ways I hold back with her. At first I thought I didn’t hold back but now I see I do. I believe there are “rules” of behavior after a suicide attempt and I’m trying to abide by those “rules”. I’m trying to be who everyone wants me to be so that they are okay. In doing so I am denying my own reality. I tell myself I should be happy, I should, I should, I should. When do I let others see who I really am?

Today, this is who I am. I’m fresh out of a suicide attempt and I’m hurting and confused. Do I want to live or don’t I? I’m angry I’m alive and relieved at the same time. Why do hospitals try so hard to save people that tried to kill themselves? How can all the medical professionals that cared for me see me as someone worth saving? Don’t they know? I was completely out for 2-3 days and couldn’t speak for myself and yet decisions were made for me. I was saved with the uncertainty how my mind and body would function. Why? But I did this. I took the meds which put me into the situation of being out of control. I am responsible for putting all the medical professionals in the position of making these decisions for me. So much to think and work through and I’ve only just begun.

Today I feel the darkness beginning to creep in. What will I do about it? Will I reach out or will I be silent? Will I tell my therapist tomorrow or will I play the game? Today I have choices and I’m in charge of my life. Choices…..

Can’t seem to help myself



I hate when I get into this place where nothing I do seems to help.

I was having a really tough day all by myself and my sister calls. She is upset and having a difficult time and I didn’t know what to say to do. I wasn’t supportive and I made her cry more. Support person #1 not available for me.

I call my husband, no answer. I send a string of texts, no reply. Support person #2 not available for me.

I was going to therapy today but she had to cancel. Support person #3 not available for me.

That’s all the support people I have that know the truth about me.

Alone, just me and the not so friendly neighborhood of the head.

Since none of the healthy alternatives have worked my mind has drifted off to the not so healthy alternatives of relief. I wish I hadn’t made my sister cry. Now if I ended all of this she would think it was her fault even though it isn’t. What a thing to keep you from killing yourself.

I was going to work on processing some of the garbage in my head Thursday night but now I don’t know if I should be alone all night or not. I waited too late to take care of me. Same pattern over and over.

I have to get a grip. Not going to another mental hospital again!

Alice is a bad girl!

alice_is_a_bad_girl___bloody_by_gabilipan-d46ndct 20

Down, down, down


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I feel myself being pulled down. I know it and I’m fighting but I feel like I’m losing. I don’t want to be in this place.

I was triggered on the night of the summer solstice. I didn’t remember the date and I made a poor decision. I’m paying for it now.

Last night and I made a decision to begin memory sharing again as a trade off for the non-stop photo stream. I had no idea they could occur simultaneously. Now I have memories running like movies and snapshots going off at the same time. I’m exhausted, irritable, sad, and angry. I want out of this brain so bad.

I also want to self-harm. It’s been months since any of us have self-harmed. I’m certain I won’t make it through the day without doing it.


Wind in my mind


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The memories are wind blowing through my mind, sandstone.

The wind erodes, revealing new layers.

The sandstone feels a loss, layer by layer.

In spite of the loss the sandstone opens itself to the wind.

Expose me, lay me bear.

The sandstone steps out of itself and looks down.

It sees its beauty, its vulnerability and it smiles.



Treaty of the open heart


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Soul Song glowing person

It all started with a simple invitation. The room had been built and the table set. Fear gripped me at my very core. I had never viewed myself as a whole before. Not all the parts together. Many of them I had never seen before. I knew their color, their energy but I didn’t know the physical form they had chosen for themselves. So the invitation was sent. I delivered the invitation to some myself but most had to be delivered via others. Have no fear for isn’t this what life is? What is life without knowing ourselves? The willingness to look in the shadows, in the caves, to peer at our raw souls, that is life. Being authentic, that is life.

Fear gone, anticipation blossoms. Questions float around quicker than I can catch them. Can everyone walk? Who will bring the littlest ones? Are there babies? Can the babies talk? Will Crying Girl come out of hiding? Those that have been in the dark, can they bear the light? The biggest question of all, will they trust me? Will I trust myself? Can I finally handle my truth?

The anticipation blossoms into my tree of life. My tree, the tree I constructed. The tree that has provided shelter for me for so many years. I have been protected however the protection has left me stuck in the shade. This knowing, this accepting my authenticity will allow me to move beyond the shade of my own tree. I am ready to feel the sun on my face, ready to bask in the brightest of light, ready to let it enter my soul and in turn radiate that light for others. This is my purpose.

They come. Some quickly and some slowly and with much urging. They come. My hearts feels as if it will burst looking at myself. All of these faces, each so very different. No walls, I’m in the midst of my self. I see them flash from their color forms to their physical forms. We all share light, we all glow, even those that remain in the back of the room in the shadows. The light has always been in each and every one of us. The power has always been there waiting on me, waiting for me to accept myself, waiting on me to lay fear aside, waiting on me to create a treaty with my heart. A treaty of love, openness and trust in exchange for living my reality.

I accept each of these beautiful faces as my own. No longer must they be burdened by their secrets and their pain. Share your secrets with me and I will share with each of you my love, openness, trust and acceptance. Have no fear, love always wins.



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